OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
