Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So apparently I’m into choking now
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
