I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
