Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
