You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
