Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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