I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I touched a dick in church today
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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