Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
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I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
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I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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