brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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