i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
