I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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