he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
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What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
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She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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