dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
