His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
