I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
