I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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