if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
