Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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