fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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