i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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