weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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