you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
