I accidentally burped into my bong.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
