you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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