even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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