woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i think i just lost a toe
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
