Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
