i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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