Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
