I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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