chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
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He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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