The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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