I love black thongs
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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