Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
