Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
