I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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