he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
