Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
