i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
