is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
