Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
