Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
