So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
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