So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
