I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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