i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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