Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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