I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
