Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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