I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
