The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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