I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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