My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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