After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
