I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
