2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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