Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He kissed a someone with a penis
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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